I Love YouTube: Orson Welles' TV Commercials

To say Orson Welles was one of the greatest dramatic actors ever to grace the stage or screen is like saying that french pastries are delicious which is probably something Welles said all the time, because he was humungous.

What really sets him apart from other legendary performers (other than, you know, being a fiercely independent, larger-than-life, iconoclastic performing arts pioneer who always spoke his mind and directed the best film of all time when he was like 16 years old) was his smooth, instantly recognizable baritone voice. It was absolutely hypnotic. Just listen to his 1938 radio broadcast of H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds and tell me that you don't see how half the planet could've believed that Earth was actually under attack. He basically had a super-power; he was inhumanly articulate, enunciating every word effortlessly, letting them flow out of his mouth like so much warm butter. Which is I guess now that I've written that sentence a completely disgusting image. And something that is the opposite of what hanging out with Orson Welles actually would have been like, as that would involve watching a shedload of warm butter flow into the dudes mouth.

His voice is why he continued to be in such high demand as a voice-over and commercial actor long into his twilight years, allowing him to leave behind a rich legacy that includes a small part in Transformers: The Movie and these unbelievably awesome television commercials from the '70s/'80s:


1. PAUL MASSON WINES

With such a voracious appetite for the finer things in life, it only made sense for Welles to endorse booze. He became the spokesman for Paul Masson, a California winery that grew famous for its sparkling wine thanks in part to this ad. Just look at him, propped up at that table like that; what a regal fellow. So prim and proper, so solid, so... immoveable. This man is a veritable mountain of life experience, and that voice... oh, that voice. Can you imagine being at a party with that beast purring away about fermentation?

 

Although, did you know that his contract allowed him all the free wine he could drink? No, really, it's true:

 

Later on he got cranky on TV and said he never drank Paul Masson wine because he didn't like it, and got fired.

 

2. G&G WHISKEY (JAPAN)

Meanwhile, Welles also did what many celebrities would get made fun of for doing in the '90s: go do a commercial in Japan for what I'm guessing was about a trillion dollars. Although watching this footage one would think that instead of planning a complicated film shoot the camera crew surprised a slightly intoxicated Welles while waiting for his flight at the airport lounge. He takes 10 seconds to light his cigar. He almost forgets the product name. His eyes uncomfortably dart around the room looking for some kind of cue or pie as he rattles off dialogue I'm sure he made up on the spot and even still he comes across as the number one guy I would've taken a bullet for on account of how awesome he is:

 

3. NASHUA COPIERS

In the '80s there were these things called photocopiers, which I guess we still have now so nevermind. What we don't have now is a giant bearded know-it-all with burning laser eyes somehow bridging the canyon that lies between Shakespeare and professional copy machines. With anybody else endorsing this product, I'd be like, "Oh, please..." But since it's Welles, you end up half believing what he says simply because his voice has that reassuring quality that's subconciously telling your brain that it actually isn't that hard of a sell at all:

 

4. PREVIEW

Please, can Orson Welles come to my house and systematically remark on the potential that each of my appliances hold? I swear to god, every single thing this man says sounds like it's being read from a dusty old leather-bound book. Even when he's talking about cable television. I'd really like to know how many takes they did of that last line, though. Slightly creepy...

5. DARK TOWER (MILTON BRADLEY)

Read the following sentence out loud: Last night I journeyed backwards in time to the medieval world of Dark Tower. Now, to hear someone to whom this actually happened say it, skip ahead in this video to the 2:10 mark. Not only does Welles seriously give the performance of a lifetime, but he's endorsing a freakishly cool-ass looking game to boot. 

6. FINDUS FROZEN FOODS

And then finally, there's these ones... Not really commercials at all, but instead a few audio recordings offering a rare glimpse into the process of an voice-over artist (when the artist isn't completely loaded on sparkling wine, that is). Here even Welles can't believe what he's signed up for, and gets positively belligerent with the poor guys in the sound booth who are only trying to do their jobs and go home to their families. He gets nasty, he insults them, and yet, in their shoes I probably would have shed tears of joy to be so completely dismantled by this verbal juggernaut.