The Worst Movies of 2009

I'm not even going to make images for this article because... just because

Submitted by mike, 12/31/09 10:28 AM

2009: What an Asshole Year of the Movies

Seriously I can't believe I wasted a waking day of my life on these movies:

#5. Fired Up (dir. Will Gluck)

This movie is about two high-school football stars that go to cheerleading camp because that’s where the girls are. It’s not funny and the two actors playing the 17-year-old horndogs were 29 and 31 years old. That's really really weird. How movies like this are being made post-Superbad is literally beyond me. Give me Porky’s Revenge any day of the week. Also the movie poster is basically telling me to f__k myself but no man f__k you and your awful movie get f__ked you assholes

#4. Where the Wild Things Are (dir. Spike Jonze)

The full, hilarious breadth and depth of the narcissism of them generation x kids is revealed by how breezily 'n' easily Jonze took a beloved book for children about a wild joyful anarchic rumpus into a dour, existential dirt clod of a film about children. Picture theatres full of skinny hipster-glasses wearing Pabst-lords coming weepy reminiscing about how hard it was growing up just-you-know-different while all of the actual children stayed home and murdered terrorists on xbox live.

#3. New Moon (dir. Chris Weitz)

This movie is about Mormon sex/love between an adult and a child. Women are fragile retards, for whom talking to strange men and riding motorcycles are spectacular dangers. This movie, like the original, Twilight, is unbearably creepy except this time around it's also incredibly boring. I think there were 9 scenes where characters just... talked about themselves in a dewy forest glen.

#2. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (dir. Andrzej Bartkowiak)

Chun Li, the lethal Chinese martial arts master is played in this movie by a half-white Canadian with no martial arts background. This movie smells like boiled diaper and has a dude named "Taboo" in it which together with the execrable X-Men Origins: Wolverine (which features a dude named Will.I.Am) is proof that if your movie has a Black Eyed Pea in it, your movie is an awful movie. Chris Klein is so hilariously bad in this film that I think he was going for a steely-eyed squinty Steven Seagal in 1992 type thing and failing miserably, which is like trying to crush an egg and breaking your arm instead somehow.

#1: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (dir. Bob Gosse)

Everyone in this film gets mad at Tucker Max because he’s a creepy antisocial narcissist who has no moral compass, no conscience and doesn’t care about other people. Then he hits rock bottom, learns his lesson and in the final act of the film he crashes his ex-best friend’s wedding, steals the mc’s microphone and talks about himself for five minutes straight, and everyone forgives him and loves him. That is how stupid this movie is. This movie was made in 2008 and has Bill Clinton jokes in it. It's embarrassing.