mike | 15 Dec 2011 | 427 Views | 0 Likes | 0 Dislikes

I Love YouTube: Black Metal

My mask of nice guy pink skin is getting heavy, pulling the front of my skull down and giving me a really bad headache. I want to scream, in the forest, and make my legs really wide and do like a primal clenched-fist thing, but I can't reveal my secret to anyone but this YouTube article. I'm not a regular guy, getting ready for Christmas and driving his little van around buying presents for his family and friends. No! I'm demon! I'm demon as hell! Yaaaargh! I want to death! Let's Metal! Look at my spikes there on my arm! Its scaring you I know it! Yrraaaaaaaaaa

Immortal - Call of the Wintermoon

This is the ur-black metal video. Lead singer Abbath Doom Occulta and the rest of his cranky gang tear ass through a forest, wearing make-up (we Death and Black Metal people call it corpsepaint to make it sound cooler), occasionally donning pointy witch hats and hitting logs with spiky clubs. Oh, and they breathe fire... a lot. They love metal, death, weapons, the forest, and breathing fire. That's basically it.

Alternate Reality - The King That Never Was

Whoa - check out the production values on this thing! If this doesn't make you want to somehow live a life that involves both a) Arthurian legends and b) metal, then you're basically crazy! It does speak to the difficulty of finding the perfect person to voice your one-and-a-half-minute long intro though. "Look, guys, I found her. Yeah, her name's Debbie and she has just... she has a spectacular rack. Thing is though she can't pronounce words that have the letter 't' in them properly. No, English is definitely her first language, she just kind of goes 'meTULL' and migh-TEE'. Tits are great, though."

Dream Evil - The Book of Heavy Metal

You know why black metal is the best? Because subtlety is stupid and sucks that's why! If you want to look scary, get some vampire teeth and a weapon and wear armour! If you want to sound satanic and terrifying, write lyrics like "I signed a deal with the Devil... Don't need no flashy house, no car or ugly wife. The only thing I want, is what my parents don't." Yaaaargh! Yaaaargh!

The Black Satans - The Mutilation of Christ

All good parody is 95% indistinguishable from the source material. Genius.

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