Teens 'n' Tweens: New Year's Eve

Sometimes when the stars align juuuust so, and the cosmic wolf howls a lucky tune to a sweaty witch or whatever which blesses your endeavours (as is our custom), you get to send your celebrity-fixated Teens ‘n’ Tweens Blog Queen Sister Amanda that you really don’t want to see yourself AND that will make her want to honk and feel bad about her celebrity fixation. That’s the joy only a rude older brother can feel. Anyway, we sent Amanda to see New Years Eve, the spiritual sequel to Garry Marshall’s truly excremental Valentine’s Day. Here’s what she thought:

thesubstream: What movie did you see?

Amanda: New Snore’s Eve. Valen-lame’s Day: Confetti’s Revenge!

tss: Dude, that’s raw ownage as hell! Such nasty funk! What was it about?

A: Hell if I even know… A buncha people who REALLY give a care about new year’s eve and their bad life mistakes? The race to midnight! A whole lotta Cinderellas and soon to be pumpkins.

tss: What happens in the movie?

A: Zefron seduces a weird old lady (Michelle Pheiffer) by driving her around on a scooter. A homeless-looking Ashton Kutcher (redundant, probably) plays an actually homeless Ashton Kutcher-clone in an elevator wearing pajama pants. Josh Duhamel wears a tux. Pregnant ladies eat sardines and castor oil to compete for baby prize money. Robert DeNiro XXXX (excised for rude spoilers – Ed.). Hillary Swank sucks. Bon Jovi uhhh is a guy… . A teen gets a smooch. I napped pretty hard.

tss: What was the message?

A: UGH apparently it’s supposed to be like seize the day or whatever type of crap. Make use of this “magic night” or whatever to take care of the shit you’ve put off all year?

Everything can be solved by midnight ok? Left your fiancé last NYE? Cool, smooch her by midnight and she’s yours again! (But not before she eats lots of handfuls of chocolate and throws eggs at a poster of your head. She didn’t meet ONE SINGLE DUDE in the last year? She’s just been waiting for you to show up so she can slap you and then you croon “Have a little faith in me” and it’s all ok? I’m really beginning to think Katherine Heigl has some kind of demon curse on her that makes her only able to accept the most clichéd and humiliating female roles available. Sorry, tangent there.)

Also- uhh love or some shit.



tss: Did anyone look totally hot?

A: Ok I know I’ve said this before but HELLLOOOO Zac Efron. Guess what, you are a man now. You got kinda fat in the face and you have a respectable beard but I’m fully on board with it. Please continue to be in every Nicholas Sparks movie ever created. I will watch it. I will watch the HELL out of it.

Oh! And there was some new dreamboat kid! Some new Disney fella, the 30+ 14 yr old girls in the theatre (at 2 in the afternoon… don’t cut class kids) all went NUTS over. I looked him up- but he just looked like Joey from Blossom to me. WOAH! (he’s from Wizards of Waverly Place. I guess that’s a thing, but a whole WHOOOOOP went up when he came on screen so, ya know- one to watch right there) (His name is Jake T. Austin – Ed.)

 Go home Ashton, please go home, I hate your pube beard and you haven’t been funny since Kelso.

tss: What was the best part?

A: Zefron. Me laughing at dad crying at the end, haha, that was good too.

tss: Jesus Christ. What was the worst part?

A: EW omg- the sassy male nurse telling the preggo ladies “may the best va-jay-jay win!” made me want to barf and die. Though I think it got the biggest laugh of the whole damn theatre.

Or just the fact that it’s so jammed full of actors needing paycheques that you don’t really know anything about any of them and therefore why do I give a shit about your life or resolutions or why you hate NYE or whatever the hell storyline they farted out for each character. Ughhhhhhh. FARRRRTTT$$$$$$

tss: Wow, sweet fart noise that turned into money symbols! So: is it good for teens and tweens out there to watch?

A: Apparently, seeing as I’m pretty sure the entire 8^th grade from PS121 was in my theatre.