Teens 'n' Tweens: Red Riding Hood

Mike (that's me yall) got to accompany thesubstream's Teens 'n' Tweens movie expert, Sister Amanda, to an advance screening of Red Riding Hood. He caught up with her after to get her thoughts.

thesubstream: So, what did we see?

Amanda: We went to Red Riding Hood: Not So Little Anymore... yerrrghh. With Amanda Seyfriend and Julie Christie? Is she a famous old lady? I feel like she's famous. 

tss: Yeah, she was famous for a while definitely. What did you think of the thing in the lobby?

A: There was like a set up thing with lights where you could put on THE HOOD and get a picture taken. It probably was the real hoood from the movie don't you think? But the one in the movie was sometimes really way too long for no reason. I definitely laughed when you said I should go do it but I secretly really wanted to. There was a person on a stool holding up the cape to make it look like it was blowing in the wind. Come on! That's cool.

tss: Yeah. Definitely. So, we had a special guest at the screening, too... a certain THE DIRECTOR OF THE FILM!

A: Yeah! The Twilight director! Can't remember her name! (Catherine Hardwicke - Ed.) Tiny little blonde lady that maybe might think she's still 14? Did you find it as weird that she was as obsessed with the hunky teens and the making out as she was? She talked about that a lot I feel. 

tss: You gotta go where the money is I guess, if you really want a lot of money. Which is apparently in making Red Riding Hood screw a dude in a barn. What was that about? Sup with that? What was the movie about to you?

A: Valerie the most perfectest rabbit murderer in town. She likes the smoldery dark haired guy Peter who kind of seduced her as a kid (I think you found that part kind of inappropriate?) but her mom wants her to marry the other good looking blonde and rich guy to get that money. Then her sister is dead! And it's the wolf that did it and the whole town freaks out and a sorcerer/priest? What was he? Comes to town and makes everybody suspicious. His wife was a werewolf? I forget that part. Then Valerie talks to the wolf and it kind of seems like it is in love with her and then she's like it has brown eyes remember that part and scowls at everyone with brown eyes INCLUDING her suitors. DUN DUN. Then they call her a witch and make her wear a shame mask that looked like an anteater and be bait or something. And her grandma is creepy and her mom is a slut and then the wolf is REDACTED DUE TO CRAZY SPOILERS 3 silver fingernails? Or whatever. UGH. 

tss: Yeah, ugh for me too. One of the actors was really, really REALLY bad and the whole thing was kind of kindergarten-pervy. Also it's a long time ago and there's no running water or anything and people live in the woods but dude's got a freakin' faux-hawk? What the HELL? How do you let that happen? There's like a million other cool haircuts an ancient dude could have that don't rely on Vidal Sassoon pomade or whatever. I felt kind of disrespected by that dude's hair and I think a lot of other people did too.

A: Yeah, I'd say so, considering the whole theater laughed every time he opened his mouth.

tss: He looked like tiny Joaquin Phoenix with a concussion. Any other thoughts?

A: Yeah. Why does every old timey village has to have a sort of drooly vaguely retarded person in it? This one could do magic tricks though. What was your favorite part? Mine was the lesbian jealousy line dance. The music and the red cape in the snow was cool. Did you feel as bad as I did that all the people were like... laughing while the director was there? Boy that was awkward....

tss: Yeah, that was kind of bad. Eesh. 

A: Yeah. Red Riding Hood. Yeesh.