Teens 'n' Tweens: Tree of Life

So we've been itching to get our Teens 'n' Tweens movie blogger star, Sister Amanda, back into the fray. With it being summer movie season, she's been taken out of action unfairly, as all the adult dudes around here clamour to go see all the idiotic childrens' superhero movies. I didn't want her critical skills to get dull, so I sent her to see Tree of Life, the Palme-d'Or winning masterpiece by legendary reclusive director-genius Terrence Malick, and then I asked her what she thought.

 

thesubstream: So what movie did you see?

Amanda: The Tree of Boring. Oh wait I mean Life. Also known as Seniors Day Out: Revenge of the Snore. 

tss: Whoa, zing. Two barrels! Right off the bat, there.

A: Yeah. Tree of Life with Brad StinkyPittz and, um some guy with a really weird looking head. 

tss: OK unpack that sentence for me a bit. Brad StinkPittz?

A: He supposedly stinks. Pit-stink, you know. B.O..

tss: Why do you know that?

A: Everybody knows that.

tss: OK, who's the weird head guy?

A: Sean Penn.

tss: Alright, I can see that. What was it about?

A: I kinda don't know? I mean maybe it was a movie for olds that read more books than me but like- I guess trees? Waves? Fake space? I got confused cause the opening thing is about Nature vs Grace and that grace is better cause you deny yourself or something?  But then the whole rest of the movie was leaves and dirt and space. Not cool to me. 

tss: What's the story? What happens?

A: Best as I can tell, I'm watching some old home movies I found at goodwill of a family I don't know and don't give a care about. There's a Red Headed Lady, Brad Pitt and 3 kids? Then there is maybe a Dead Kid? (Though I guess that's a flash forward) 

Middle Kid is kinda better than the Older Kid cause of I don't know. He's blonde I guess, and can play guitar. Older Kid gets real angry about his vaguely menacing BradDad having double standards and then is mad at God too (same diff) and decides he gets to be Bad Kid and do whatever he wants. Bad Kid ties a frog to a rocket-

tss: Man… that sounds messed up.

A: Yeah, he feels bad though. He does some other like, lamely not-even-mean stuff to Middle Kid. I do have to say, BradDad seems pretty cool for the most part- he teaches them how to grow stuff, how to throw punches, hugs em, pats em on the head? And then goes bonkers a little bit but like not even that bad? Like kinda pounds on a table or whatever? Whatever.

Then there's Sean Penn and I think he's Bad Kid grown up. In buildings. Wearing a suit. More buildings and then grass! Juxtaposition! Nature vs. Not Nature! Or something. Middle Kid is now Dead Kid. And then at least 45 minutes of me watching stoner fractal pattern videos on youtube while loud opera music plays and some weird lady whispers her poetry about how God might be a asshole. I have really strong hopes that an actual Imax movie from the Space and Science Centre about volcanoes will start playing instead of these weird fake space shots of not space and why am I watching space? Then everyone hugs on a beach. Really. Beach hugging. Oh and then more space. Exeunt.

tss: Did Brad Pitt at least look H O double-T HOTT?

A: Not even dude. He kept doing this weird bulldog tongue in his bottom lip pout. And his pants were totally too high. Though it was kinda sexy when he was punching himself in the face, since that's pretty much what I wished I was doing. He didn't even take his shirt off or anything. He's like barely even in it cause it's all the same shot of shitty CGI jupiter and god whispers. 

tss: Was there any good part at all? 

A: Probably the part where there was a baby dinosaur (Middle Kid) laying down in a stream looking sad and kinda dying. Then a bigger dinosaur (Bad Kid, get it! HE'S BADDDD) came over and stepped on his head for a little bit. Just like "oh hey, step step, take that!"  Step... WTF? So not even bad! That part was at least funny. 

tss: Is it good for teens 'n' tweens out there to watch?

A: Probably those nerds that are taking AP philosophy or people that don't have the internet. But god no, I ate my hot dog in two parts just so I'd have something to look forward to later. 

tss: OK, thanks.

 

A: Whatever.

 

Sister Amanda will return very shortly with her T'n'T take on the Bieber/Kunis affair, Friends with Benefits.